It will be okay. Probably.

I know that at this point I should be blogging about my trip to London, but there's something else that's been bugging me. 

You know the feeling when you don't care about something? But do you also know the feeling when you don't care for something when you used to care a lot about it? I think the first time I experienced this was when I told a friend about my past relationships and realized that some of them don't really make me feel anything anymore. Of some I still think and I still have some feelings left. But not in some cases. That felt odd and at the same liberating. Or maybe something is wrong with me, because shouldn't you care for someone who once meant a lot to you? Maybe I'm sick or something. But some of these people that I used to cry a lot over don't really take up any space in my heart or mind. I don't even feel the need to look for them on social media or write them for their birthday. I don't think that the news that they passed away or are ill or something horrible would affect me in any way. Maybe I am a coldhearted bitch. 

But then again, these people made me that way to some extent.

Now there's this thing that has been a pretty big thing in my life for... what, almost 3 years? And yesterday I realized that I would be confronted with that thing, that person, again in a few days. And my initial reaction was: "Meh."

I guess after I suffered through mot of this summer, I finally healed. Or I'm too obsessed with another thing that I can't muster the feelings for that big (yes, actually pretty big) thing. I used to be obsessed about it. 

Maybe (I don't know if I should hope for it, or not) I will suddenly be obsessed again once the date is here and I can't hide or distract myself. But I never felt this way about that thing before. Never. And that is kind of odd, scary even. 

I really hope that I have healed. That it's going to be okay after such a long time. Such a fucking long time. 

I don't regret anything of the past 3 years, I really don't. I think the reason I'm writing this blog now is that I'm even a little sad that apparently, it is over. Everything beautiful dies...

Learning Finnish - Week 1

Learn Finnish they said.

It will be fun they said.

Just kidding, no-one ever said that learning Finnish is fun. I think someone even said that it's impossible to learn.

Well, I usually tackle the things that are impossible, just to laugh in the end. ("No girls on the tourbus" And I laughed...)

So I've had my first week of Uni with my Finnish course and what can I say? It's pretty overwhelming to learn a new language. Especially if your book is in Finnish only. Literally, there is no word in german or english inside. Don't ask me why.

I once learned italian. To say I speak italian is a pretty big exaggeration. And I actually like languages, but back in school, italian killed it for me. We didn't learn any words, we didn't even have a normal book (we were one of the first school to teach italian, so there were no books for us yet), but a "Learn italian in 4 Weeks!"-Book for tourists. That's basically what we learned: To ask where the next hotel is, when the train is leaving and that we want to eat a pizza. 

I learned English in the same school. I like to think that my English is pretty good and I feel comfortable blogging in that language. I would NEVER EVER write an article in italian. Never.

So the first association when I sat in the course and looked at the book, I was reminded of learning italian and how much that sucked and that I'm actually a little ashamed that my latin is better than my italian. 

I was kind of overwhelmed and pledged that I would go learn my words every day.

On the second day of the course (the course is on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for 2hrs) we had to make an introduction of some character (say some basics like name, gender, age and job) and I struggled through mine, not being able to build on sentence, whereas the others had no problems. I know the numbers and know the system behind it (Fuck you, French, look at Finnish, THAT's how you're supposed to count, you cunt!), but it takes some time to translate the number in my head, whereas the others seemed to be able to count like it was their mother tongue. Gah.

But that's not a reason to give up...if I had given up everytime something seemed hard or I didn't get it at first glimpse (I once walked past the tourbus while searching for the tourbus.), I never would giggled myself to sleep about how easy everything was. 

I have to do the work and drop the struggle. Just try and if it doesn't work, try again, for Fuck's sake! That's how you do life.

And that's also how you learn a new language.

Metal Roadtrip: Epic Metal Fest in Tilburg!

Like I wrote in my last post, my main reason to go to EMF this year was The Agonist, but there actually were some other great bands on the billing that made the trip worth all the money and stress.

For example Myrath. I had never seen them before but I've been listening to their music since 2012. Kahina Spirit is a bellydancer on youtube and I found her videos back in 2010 and one of her videos also introduced me to them! So, I was very excited to see them live for the time and a week before I went I read that she was joining them onstage! Maximal fangirl moment <3

Another band that was on my list was Textures. You would think that seeing them 3x with amorphis would be enough for one year, but I'm Amy. When I like a band, I want to see them as often as possible :D

Also, Stream of Passion would play one of their last shows in Tilburg. They decided to split up after this year. I haven't been paying a lot of attention to SoP in the last years, but I'm a huge fan of their two first albums and I never had seen Stream in concert. I went for old time's sake.

So, I didn't sleep AT ALL after the concert Düsseldorf. I was in that dorm with 6 other girls and I was drunk as fuck and couldn't close my eyes. I don't know why, but I just couldn't fall asleep, I was a mess: happy, confused, drunk, all at the same time, so I didn't find any sleep. My alarm went off and I scurried through the dark, searching my stuff together and getting dressed in the dark, because I had already annoyed my cohabitants enough that night. I felt sick and took a walk to the train station. The cold air actually helped and made me feel better. I ate a bun at the trian station and then was picked up by Jessie and her friends and we were off to Tilburg. I honestly don't remember much of the car ride but listening to music and almost falling asleep. I almost told the girls to go to the festival without me and I would just sleep at the hotel all day, that's how bad I felt. 

Well, I'm glad I went anyway!

After the doors opened I went to see the first few shows on the main stage. Myrath actually were the first band to play there and they were perfect. I cried a little during Merciless times, because it was just so beautiful. And I hardly ever cry during a concert. But this time I did. There's something about arabic in songs that always touches my heart.

Textures were on next and of course they didn't disappoint. It was their first show of the day, they had another one at another festival on the same night. It's normally not really my style of music, but they already made me a fan on the second show I saw them play (earlier this year in Munich). I can't really describe it, but the energy and the changes in rhythm really do something to you if you let it happen. 

After Textures Stream of Passion was already on, but I only stayed until the middle of their set because I wanted to have a good spot at the Agonist (I know I saw them a day before, but...who cares? :P)

I screamed when Vicky came on stage, because, she was wearing my shirt! Yes, she decided of all the clothes she's had with her, she would wear mine! I can hardly believe it. It's one of the best feelings ever when your favorite singer wears one of your designs.

Yeah, so The Agonist played to an overpacked room and during some songs I thought the people behind me were trying to kill each other. I always stick to front row, so I seldomly take part in moshpits, but the guy who stood behind me got smashed into me quite a few times, although he wasn't participating. But hey, it's great when people have fun, just don't kill each other (I think Chris said something like that on stage as well, but I really don't remember a lot of details because I was so tired). They played a shorter set because they weren't a headliner that night, but it was a great mix of old and new songs.

So afterwards I just sat downstairs were all the merch was and made friends with another The Agonist fan, talked a little more with the guys and girl, made a complete fool of myself and met Kahina <3 I think the just sitting there and talking to nice people, making new friends was the best part of the trip! Thanks to everyone who was there with me <3

Learning Finnish

October is coming. And with it, University. I've been studying for longer than I feel comfortable sharing and I'm in desperate need of some curricula from other subjects to complete my journey at Uni Wien. 

 

I've tried to take some of the subjects that are close to my major, which is media and communica1tion science (in short, journalism), but they all bored me to death, resulting in bad results or even better, tests never taken.

So, I decided I might as well take advantage of the possibility to learn a new language while I still have the chance. I have the grand qualification in Latin, and that is something a lot of people do not have and therefor have to take latinum classes first. I don't; I can jump right into classes.

And I've wanted to learn Finnish since... I was 13 I think. And I know I was a1 little crazy back then and I know that I'm a lot crazy now. I remember getting a Finnish dictionary at the library in my home tow1n a1nd looking up words, w1riting them dow1n on flash cards to study. Of course, i never got very far. I think the most Finnish I picked up was through watching the Nightwish DVD, listening to Levan Polka on repeat and drinking with Finnish persons.

So, why do i still want to learn Finnish?

There are idiotic reasons and reasons that are actually healthy.

I haven't really had a life since over a year, obsessing over (Finnish) things and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel in April... but guess what! There was no life waiting for me there. There was a new apartment that desperately needed renovations and work weeks. 7 days straight, one day off, and so on. I went to my dance classes because I paid for them up front, but if I had the choice, I would have stayed at home, sleeping. That's basically what sums up my life the whole summer: Working, sleeping, working. And it wasn't all for nothing. In May I decided I want to go Epic Metal Fest in the Netherlands and since then more and more bands I love have announced concerts in my area. And if they didn't, I would book a train ticket. Nothing makes me feel as alive as a concert, so I will chase that feeling. And if it ruins me. But after working nonstop all summer, I can afford all these trips and I honestly can't wait!

But I know that waiting for the next concert is not enough. I need something of value to do in my everyday life. I want to write more again. I think of writing a serial novel for this blog. I've had ideas floating around and I think I turn them into something fun to read. 

The finnish classes are on three days of the week, so I'll be spending a lot of time with that as it is. A friend asked me to share my new acquired wisdom with her and I think I'll aslo keep updates here on the blog. 

It finally feels like I have something more to do with my life than just work and sleep. And I'm incredibly looking forward to it.

...

And if you ask me why, isn't this view reason enough?