It will be okay. Probably.

I know that at this point I should be blogging about my trip to London, but there's something else that's been bugging me. 

You know the feeling when you don't care about something? But do you also know the feeling when you don't care for something when you used to care a lot about it? I think the first time I experienced this was when I told a friend about my past relationships and realized that some of them don't really make me feel anything anymore. Of some I still think and I still have some feelings left. But not in some cases. That felt odd and at the same liberating. Or maybe something is wrong with me, because shouldn't you care for someone who once meant a lot to you? Maybe I'm sick or something. But some of these people that I used to cry a lot over don't really take up any space in my heart or mind. I don't even feel the need to look for them on social media or write them for their birthday. I don't think that the news that they passed away or are ill or something horrible would affect me in any way. Maybe I am a coldhearted bitch. 

But then again, these people made me that way to some extent.

Now there's this thing that has been a pretty big thing in my life for... what, almost 3 years? And yesterday I realized that I would be confronted with that thing, that person, again in a few days. And my initial reaction was: "Meh."

I guess after I suffered through mot of this summer, I finally healed. Or I'm too obsessed with another thing that I can't muster the feelings for that big (yes, actually pretty big) thing. I used to be obsessed about it. 

Maybe (I don't know if I should hope for it, or not) I will suddenly be obsessed again once the date is here and I can't hide or distract myself. But I never felt this way about that thing before. Never. And that is kind of odd, scary even. 

I really hope that I have healed. That it's going to be okay after such a long time. Such a fucking long time. 

I don't regret anything of the past 3 years, I really don't. I think the reason I'm writing this blog now is that I'm even a little sad that apparently, it is over. Everything beautiful dies...

Amy's Favorite # 3: Summer Music 2012

Ich habe jeden Sommer so ein paar Lieder, die ich besonders gerne höre und oft erinnere mich an einen bestimmten Monat, eine bestimmte Situation oder generell die Atmosphäre dieses Sommers zurück, wenn ich eines der Lieder wieder höre. Ich weiß nicht, warum das ausgerechnet im Sommer so ist. Ich suche mir die Lieder auch nicht gezielt aus, es sind oft welche, die ich schon seit Jahren in meiner Musiksammlung habe und dann erst zu etwas besonderem werden.
Diesmal wollte ich diese Songs mit euch teilen.


Every summer I have some songs I listen to repeatedly. often I memorize a specific event or month or situation of a summer by just hearing the song again. I don't know why this happens especially in summer. I also don't look for the songs, I just fall in love with them and then listen to them often in the time span. Sometimes they're even pieces that have been part of my music library for years and then become something special. This year I wanted to share them with you:

Elis - "Der letzte Tag". Meine Hymne für die Arbeit. Ich arbeite dann und dort, wo andere urlaub machen und wir haben keine Klimaanlage. (My anthem for work. I work while and where other people are on holiday and we don't have an AC.)

Emilie Autumn - "Let it die". Eines der Lieder, das ich seit Jahren höre, aber nie begonnen habe, es zu lieben. Neulich, auf dem Heimweg hat mein MP3player angefangen es zu spielen und seither bin ich verliebt. (One of the songs I own since ages, but never started to love it. A few days ago I listened to it on the way home and fell in love.)

Sinisthra - "Ice Cube Sun". Ich habe Sinisthra erst vor kurzem entdeckt - ratet mal, warum. Und ich habe mich sofort in dieses Lied verliebt. (I've only discovered Sinisthra recently- guess why. And I instantly fell in love with this song)

Disillusion - "The Black Sea". Disillusion höre ich jetzt schon seit Ewigkeiten, und das Lied hat mir immer gefallen. Aber schon allein der Gedanke "We are dancing in the sea" und der In-your-face-Faktor des Stücks erfrischen bei diesen Temperaturen einfach. (I've been a listener of Disillusion for half an eternity now and I've always liked this song. But now, only the thought "We are dancing in the sea" and the In-your-face-quality of the song refresh at this heat.)