Calm down, psycho.

So, he's not texting back.

You're not new to this. You've done this before.

And that's probably why you're freaking out.

All these boys you've went out with before, they all had these weird behaviors.

I know. I get it.

But, come on. Calm down.

He's probably busy. You know that. 

You had a great day yesterday. There's no reason for him to not want to meet you again. Okay, he was a little tired yesterday, but you made him tired. In a good way. In a bed way.

He'll text you later. Tell you what time is a good time for him to meet you again.

Of course he wants to meet you again. You're fun and smart, he said so himself. And hot. And he can have sex with you. Start thinking like a guy. He'd be pretty stupid to turn down an oppurtunity to fuck. I know, you even met guys who would refuse that. But you know what? They had no idea. And he has an idea now, so stop feeling "not goog enough". he likes you. He said so himself. And he doesn't need to repeat that every two minutes. 

He shouldn't have to. You have some self-esteem and don't need a guy to tell you how much you're worth.

He'll go on that trip with you. Yes, really.

But that's months from now.

First, he'll ask you to meet in a few days, maybe even hours from now. Okay? Stop freaking out.

Look, he sent you a... he sent you a smiley. 

:)

A face. Okay. It's not a sad face.

Oh, did you really just send him another face back? 

Well done, you. If you guys keep going at this rate you'll be married next month.

Of course I'm being sarcastic.

Now go get ready, you have stuff to do. Stuff where you can't look at your phone. 

Yeah, that'll teach him. Something like that.

Or maybe not. Because, you know, he also doesn't look at his phone all the fucking time.

It will be okay. Probably.

I know that at this point I should be blogging about my trip to London, but there's something else that's been bugging me. 

You know the feeling when you don't care about something? But do you also know the feeling when you don't care for something when you used to care a lot about it? I think the first time I experienced this was when I told a friend about my past relationships and realized that some of them don't really make me feel anything anymore. Of some I still think and I still have some feelings left. But not in some cases. That felt odd and at the same liberating. Or maybe something is wrong with me, because shouldn't you care for someone who once meant a lot to you? Maybe I'm sick or something. But some of these people that I used to cry a lot over don't really take up any space in my heart or mind. I don't even feel the need to look for them on social media or write them for their birthday. I don't think that the news that they passed away or are ill or something horrible would affect me in any way. Maybe I am a coldhearted bitch. 

But then again, these people made me that way to some extent.

Now there's this thing that has been a pretty big thing in my life for... what, almost 3 years? And yesterday I realized that I would be confronted with that thing, that person, again in a few days. And my initial reaction was: "Meh."

I guess after I suffered through mot of this summer, I finally healed. Or I'm too obsessed with another thing that I can't muster the feelings for that big (yes, actually pretty big) thing. I used to be obsessed about it. 

Maybe (I don't know if I should hope for it, or not) I will suddenly be obsessed again once the date is here and I can't hide or distract myself. But I never felt this way about that thing before. Never. And that is kind of odd, scary even. 

I really hope that I have healed. That it's going to be okay after such a long time. Such a fucking long time. 

I don't regret anything of the past 3 years, I really don't. I think the reason I'm writing this blog now is that I'm even a little sad that apparently, it is over. Everything beautiful dies...

Learning Finnish - Week 1

Learn Finnish they said.

It will be fun they said.

Just kidding, no-one ever said that learning Finnish is fun. I think someone even said that it's impossible to learn.

Well, I usually tackle the things that are impossible, just to laugh in the end. ("No girls on the tourbus" And I laughed...)

So I've had my first week of Uni with my Finnish course and what can I say? It's pretty overwhelming to learn a new language. Especially if your book is in Finnish only. Literally, there is no word in german or english inside. Don't ask me why.

I once learned italian. To say I speak italian is a pretty big exaggeration. And I actually like languages, but back in school, italian killed it for me. We didn't learn any words, we didn't even have a normal book (we were one of the first school to teach italian, so there were no books for us yet), but a "Learn italian in 4 Weeks!"-Book for tourists. That's basically what we learned: To ask where the next hotel is, when the train is leaving and that we want to eat a pizza. 

I learned English in the same school. I like to think that my English is pretty good and I feel comfortable blogging in that language. I would NEVER EVER write an article in italian. Never.

So the first association when I sat in the course and looked at the book, I was reminded of learning italian and how much that sucked and that I'm actually a little ashamed that my latin is better than my italian. 

I was kind of overwhelmed and pledged that I would go learn my words every day.

On the second day of the course (the course is on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for 2hrs) we had to make an introduction of some character (say some basics like name, gender, age and job) and I struggled through mine, not being able to build on sentence, whereas the others had no problems. I know the numbers and know the system behind it (Fuck you, French, look at Finnish, THAT's how you're supposed to count, you cunt!), but it takes some time to translate the number in my head, whereas the others seemed to be able to count like it was their mother tongue. Gah.

But that's not a reason to give up...if I had given up everytime something seemed hard or I didn't get it at first glimpse (I once walked past the tourbus while searching for the tourbus.), I never would giggled myself to sleep about how easy everything was. 

I have to do the work and drop the struggle. Just try and if it doesn't work, try again, for Fuck's sake! That's how you do life.

And that's also how you learn a new language.

SWEAR is actually coming!

If you're an Amanda Hocking fan, drop everything you're doing RIGHT now, for Heaven's sake!!! Aaaaaah!

When I came home from Uni this week and was just browsing through Facebook, trying to upload my pictures from The Agonist concert in Düsseldorf (read more about here) I let out a little scream when I saw this: 

Let's be clear though, little screams while scrolling through facebook are reserved for rare occasions such as: messages from band persons (sorry, but I AM a fangirl), freshly announced tourdates or... well, there has been so much clickbaiting about the Winds of Winter I don't even read the articles about it anymore...

So, yeah, I don't scream that often when I browse fb.

And when I saw that picture I actually first thought "Oh, great, Amanda has a new book coming soon, good for her." and then I scanned the post again. Nope, this isn't just any new book, this is the last book of the My Blood Approves series! Miracles do happen! Good things come to those who wait!

I need to give you some explanation why this makes me so happy. 

Back in 2011 I was working very hard on my first book, Green like me, which hasn't been released and it probably never will be. It's not ready for that. Anyway, back then it was the first time I've actually worked on a book that *might* be done one day and of course I wanted to know how to put it out there. Self Publishing was the newest fad on the internet back then. Actually, ebooks were quite a new thing. The first Kindle (the one with a keyboard) came out and yadda yadda. People were going crazy, everybody was so emotional. Refugees weren't a thing back then and no "threat" to "our" culture... but ebooks, those were the devil's children. Everything we've achieved as a human race would cease and vanish in the face of digital reading. Seriously, everybody went crazy. Maybe you remember. 

After moving in 2011 I realized that I owned a lot of books. And I still have three big cardboard boxes in my parent's attic full with books. I love reading. That year I realized, that I might not like books so much. A Kindle seemed like the perfect solution. I could still read and I wouldn't need to litter my apartment.  

I got myself a Kindle for Christmas that year. Best 100 bucks I've ever spent (yup, it actually was that pricey back then!)  

So, back to book publishing. Ebooks opened up a whole world of new possibilities that year. I started reading J.A. Konrath's blog like it was the Holy Bible and I was sure I would selfpublish if the day ever came. I don't think anybody took Kindle and their author program serious until a young girl hit the news: She had written a mediocre vampire romance, put it onto Kindle and became a millionaire. True story. That was Amanda Hocking and of course, her books were the first to be put onto my Kindle. I even named my Kindle Amanda after her (I name all my electric devices).
I was totally inspired by her story, so it wasn't about vampires falling in love and relationship triangles and the occasional bad guy trying to kill all of them for me. The books were fine for me, I didn't expect them to be high literature or anything, but they were good enough to entertain during lunch breaks and on public transport (where I spend most time reading). It was during that time that I started writing something else and decided to publish it - I will share that with you eventually. It was what had been easiest for me to write and I thought, that I should only write this story for myself and never share it with the public. Well, after reading My Blood Approves and thinking about the whole success story of Amanda Hocking, I changed my mind. I was sure that this should be the story that I have to focus on and get done, stopping that voice in my head that said "No! This isn't good enough!" "Write something more valuable" "Who wants to read that shit anyway?"
It was only now that I've found out that Hocking had pretty big troubles with selfdoubt after publishing the first four books in the series. She wrote in her recent blog post:

"When I first published the My Blood Approves series, I was a young sheltered writer self-publishing them with a lot of naive hope. I thought I was prepared for criticism. I expected reviews to say things like, “I really did not like this book. I thought it was dumb.” I was not at all prepared for essay-length reviews that eviscerated every part of my books and myself. [...]But I think reading so many negative reviews eventually led me to believe that it was true, that the books were total complete garbage, that they were the cause of everything wrong with the world, and their very existence was destroying humanity. SoI hated them. For awhile, I even considered unpublishing them, but I that would only make people angrier, so I left them alone, and basically, just tried to pretend like they didn’t exist, because in my mind, they were the worst things ever, and every time anybody mentioned them, it was really just bringing up the greatest shame of my life." 

(that basically being her excuse for not writing the final part of the series)

This gives me so much hope. I can relate to this so, so much. Why? Because I've struggled with my own writing before I even started most of the time. And hey, to be fair, Amanda could have said "Fuck it, this shit made me rich."
I really value her being so honest about her struggle. It shows me that I'm not alone in my writing journey.

And that's probably why I'm so happy about Swear. Not only do I want to know how the story ends (in my opinion, there weren't many things in my memory that needed to be wrapped up, but at this point I'm just along for the ride. I read the books 3x now because I just enjoy reading about Alice and Jack), I'm just so happy for Amanda to overcome all her doubts she has had with these books.
I know, this post is incredibly long and I doubt anyone will read it, but hey, I actually also blog for myself ;)

Metal Roadtrip: Epic Metal Fest in Tilburg!

Like I wrote in my last post, my main reason to go to EMF this year was The Agonist, but there actually were some other great bands on the billing that made the trip worth all the money and stress.

For example Myrath. I had never seen them before but I've been listening to their music since 2012. Kahina Spirit is a bellydancer on youtube and I found her videos back in 2010 and one of her videos also introduced me to them! So, I was very excited to see them live for the time and a week before I went I read that she was joining them onstage! Maximal fangirl moment <3

Another band that was on my list was Textures. You would think that seeing them 3x with amorphis would be enough for one year, but I'm Amy. When I like a band, I want to see them as often as possible :D

Also, Stream of Passion would play one of their last shows in Tilburg. They decided to split up after this year. I haven't been paying a lot of attention to SoP in the last years, but I'm a huge fan of their two first albums and I never had seen Stream in concert. I went for old time's sake.

So, I didn't sleep AT ALL after the concert Düsseldorf. I was in that dorm with 6 other girls and I was drunk as fuck and couldn't close my eyes. I don't know why, but I just couldn't fall asleep, I was a mess: happy, confused, drunk, all at the same time, so I didn't find any sleep. My alarm went off and I scurried through the dark, searching my stuff together and getting dressed in the dark, because I had already annoyed my cohabitants enough that night. I felt sick and took a walk to the train station. The cold air actually helped and made me feel better. I ate a bun at the trian station and then was picked up by Jessie and her friends and we were off to Tilburg. I honestly don't remember much of the car ride but listening to music and almost falling asleep. I almost told the girls to go to the festival without me and I would just sleep at the hotel all day, that's how bad I felt. 

Well, I'm glad I went anyway!

After the doors opened I went to see the first few shows on the main stage. Myrath actually were the first band to play there and they were perfect. I cried a little during Merciless times, because it was just so beautiful. And I hardly ever cry during a concert. But this time I did. There's something about arabic in songs that always touches my heart.

Textures were on next and of course they didn't disappoint. It was their first show of the day, they had another one at another festival on the same night. It's normally not really my style of music, but they already made me a fan on the second show I saw them play (earlier this year in Munich). I can't really describe it, but the energy and the changes in rhythm really do something to you if you let it happen. 

After Textures Stream of Passion was already on, but I only stayed until the middle of their set because I wanted to have a good spot at the Agonist (I know I saw them a day before, but...who cares? :P)

I screamed when Vicky came on stage, because, she was wearing my shirt! Yes, she decided of all the clothes she's had with her, she would wear mine! I can hardly believe it. It's one of the best feelings ever when your favorite singer wears one of your designs.

Yeah, so The Agonist played to an overpacked room and during some songs I thought the people behind me were trying to kill each other. I always stick to front row, so I seldomly take part in moshpits, but the guy who stood behind me got smashed into me quite a few times, although he wasn't participating. But hey, it's great when people have fun, just don't kill each other (I think Chris said something like that on stage as well, but I really don't remember a lot of details because I was so tired). They played a shorter set because they weren't a headliner that night, but it was a great mix of old and new songs.

So afterwards I just sat downstairs were all the merch was and made friends with another The Agonist fan, talked a little more with the guys and girl, made a complete fool of myself and met Kahina <3 I think the just sitting there and talking to nice people, making new friends was the best part of the trip! Thanks to everyone who was there with me <3

Amy's Favorite # 3: Summer Music 2012

Ich habe jeden Sommer so ein paar Lieder, die ich besonders gerne höre und oft erinnere mich an einen bestimmten Monat, eine bestimmte Situation oder generell die Atmosphäre dieses Sommers zurück, wenn ich eines der Lieder wieder höre. Ich weiß nicht, warum das ausgerechnet im Sommer so ist. Ich suche mir die Lieder auch nicht gezielt aus, es sind oft welche, die ich schon seit Jahren in meiner Musiksammlung habe und dann erst zu etwas besonderem werden.
Diesmal wollte ich diese Songs mit euch teilen.


Every summer I have some songs I listen to repeatedly. often I memorize a specific event or month or situation of a summer by just hearing the song again. I don't know why this happens especially in summer. I also don't look for the songs, I just fall in love with them and then listen to them often in the time span. Sometimes they're even pieces that have been part of my music library for years and then become something special. This year I wanted to share them with you:

Elis - "Der letzte Tag". Meine Hymne für die Arbeit. Ich arbeite dann und dort, wo andere urlaub machen und wir haben keine Klimaanlage. (My anthem for work. I work while and where other people are on holiday and we don't have an AC.)

Emilie Autumn - "Let it die". Eines der Lieder, das ich seit Jahren höre, aber nie begonnen habe, es zu lieben. Neulich, auf dem Heimweg hat mein MP3player angefangen es zu spielen und seither bin ich verliebt. (One of the songs I own since ages, but never started to love it. A few days ago I listened to it on the way home and fell in love.)

Sinisthra - "Ice Cube Sun". Ich habe Sinisthra erst vor kurzem entdeckt - ratet mal, warum. Und ich habe mich sofort in dieses Lied verliebt. (I've only discovered Sinisthra recently- guess why. And I instantly fell in love with this song)

Disillusion - "The Black Sea". Disillusion höre ich jetzt schon seit Ewigkeiten, und das Lied hat mir immer gefallen. Aber schon allein der Gedanke "We are dancing in the sea" und der In-your-face-Faktor des Stücks erfrischen bei diesen Temperaturen einfach. (I've been a listener of Disillusion for half an eternity now and I've always liked this song. But now, only the thought "We are dancing in the sea" and the In-your-face-quality of the song refresh at this heat.)

Das ungarische Krönungskleid

Letztes Jahr habe ich mich dazu entschieden, ein Kleid dem Krönungskleid von Elisabeth von Österreich-Ungarn nachzuempfinden.

Über das Original

Das Kleid ist ein Design von Charles Frederick Worth, er hat die Haute Cotoure erfunden und war auch der erste, der seine Kreationen in Modeschauen präsentierte. Elisabeth von Österreich, besser bekannt als Sisi, war eine seiner Kundinnen.

Stoffmäßig ist das Kleid ein ziemlicher Alptraum für Hobbyschneiderinnen wie mich: 28m Silberbrokat (für den Überrock), 24m Spitze und 10m Tüll sind verarbeitet. 

Es ist der ungarischen Tracht nachempfunden, daher auch die Schürze aus Spitze und die Schnürung aus Perlen.

Zu welchem Anlass wurde das Kleid gefertigt? Elisabeth und ihr Ehemann Franz Joseph wurden am 18. Juli 1867 zum ungarischen Königspaar gekrönt, was das Kaiserreich Österreich zur Doppelmonarche Österreich-Ungarn machte. Somit war der Augleich mit Ungarn besiegelt, denn Ungarn erhielt seine Verfassung von 1848 (dem Revolutionsjahr) zurück. Es war die einzige politische Bestrebung Elisabeths.

Als Franz Joseph seine Frau in diesem Kleid sah, war er so entzückt, dass er sie auf die Stirn küsste (damals eine eigentlich sehr intime Geste). Nach der Krönungszeremonie musste sich Sisi umziehen, da allein die Schleppe an die 15Kilo wog.

Das Original befindet sich heute im Kunsthistorischen Museum Wiens, ist aber aus konservatorischen Gründen nicht ausgestellt. In der Hofburg ist eine Replik, samt einer Nachbildung des Krönungs-Schmucks, zu bewundern.

 

Über mein Projekt

Urspünglich hatte ich eine 1 zu 1 Umsetzung geplant, allerdings habe ich diesen Plan nach kurzer Zeit über Bord geworfen. Schließlich habe ich mich zu einer Stripped-Down-Version entschieden, keine kitschigen Mascherln, keine Spitze. Das Kleid wurde auch von anderen begnadeten Schneiderinnen nachgenäht, da wollte ich nicht noch ohne Kopie der Kopie erstellen. 

Als ich Agnes von meinem Vorhaben berichtete und sie wusste, dass sie auch stark involviert werden würde (da sie einfach mehr Übung hat als ich), sagte sie: "Du bist in der Tat größenwahnsinnig."

Es folgten einige Nähsessions, in denen ich meine Privileg besser kennen und lieben lernte. Sie macht zwar immer gerne Zicken, aber schließlich ging alles gut. Der Rock des Kleides ist übrigens erst in der Nacht vorm WGT fertig geworden, während Agnes und ich mit roter Haarfarbe auf dem Kopf in meiner Wohnung herumwuselten (und ich versuchte Tropfen eben jener Farbe zu vermeiden).

Es wurden schlussendlich um die 20 Meter Stoff verarbeitetet.

Ich wurde natürlich nicht zur Königin irgendeines Landes gekrönt, mein Anlass es zu tragen war das Victorian Picnic am WGT.

Hier seht ihr also das fertige Kleid:

click to enlarge

Der Volumenrock, auch im ungetragenen Zustand ein Monster. Nach dem Victorian Picnic ein Staubmonster.

Translation: Last year I was inspired to create a replica of the coronation robe of Elisabeth of Austria-Hungary. The original was made for the coronation of the imperial couple on 18. July 1867. It was the only political action Elisabeth took in her whole life. The dress was a creation by Charles Frederick Worth, who is the inventor of Haute Ctoure and also was the first designer who showed his creations at fashion shows. It was made of 28m silver brocade, 24m lace and 10m tulle. The design is based on the hungarion antional costume. When Franz Joseph saw his wife in the dress, he was so pleased, he kissed her forehead. After the coronation ceremony, Sisi changed into a more comfortable dress. The dress is now conserved in the KHM Vienna and you can see a replica of it in the Hofburg.

I actually had planned a very similar dress, but the idea quickly went to a more "stripped down" version without all the bows and lace. When I told AGnes about my plan, she told me, I was indeed megalomaniac.
Several sewing session followed. The dress was completed the night before WGT (very last minute). I, of course wasn't to become a queen, but I was wearing the dress for the victorian picnic. All in all, about 20m of fabric was used.

WGT 2012

Photografische Eindrücke - Photgraphic impression

Donnerstag: Ankunft, unsere Wohnung  - Thursday: Arrival, our flat

Und das war nur MEIN Zeug....- And that was only MY stuff...

Unser Heim fürs Wochenende - Our home for the weekend

Freitag - Friday

Interview

Accessories of Awesomeness!!!

 Victorian Picnic

Spezieller Dank gilt Agnes, ohne deren Hilfe und endlose Awesomeness niemals Königin von Ungarn geworden wäre. (mehr dazu in einem zukünftigen Blogpost.)

Special Thanks to Agnes, without you and your neverending awesomess I would have never become Consort Queen of Hungary. (more in a future blogpost.)

Das Vorbild für mein Kleid / The Inspiration for my dress:

 More about this in a future blogpost!!!

Dirt and Dust

Henke, Werk II

Samstag - Saturday

Amorphis Autographs

The band seemed to like me :D

 Sonntag - Sunday 

Agra - Impressions

World's happiest fangirl II

Noktulus

 Montag - Monday

Völkerschlachtdenkmal

See you next year!!!