Calm down, psycho.

So, he's not texting back.

You're not new to this. You've done this before.

And that's probably why you're freaking out.

All these boys you've went out with before, they all had these weird behaviors.

I know. I get it.

But, come on. Calm down.

He's probably busy. You know that. 

You had a great day yesterday. There's no reason for him to not want to meet you again. Okay, he was a little tired yesterday, but you made him tired. In a good way. In a bed way.

He'll text you later. Tell you what time is a good time for him to meet you again.

Of course he wants to meet you again. You're fun and smart, he said so himself. And hot. And he can have sex with you. Start thinking like a guy. He'd be pretty stupid to turn down an oppurtunity to fuck. I know, you even met guys who would refuse that. But you know what? They had no idea. And he has an idea now, so stop feeling "not goog enough". he likes you. He said so himself. And he doesn't need to repeat that every two minutes. 

He shouldn't have to. You have some self-esteem and don't need a guy to tell you how much you're worth.

He'll go on that trip with you. Yes, really.

But that's months from now.

First, he'll ask you to meet in a few days, maybe even hours from now. Okay? Stop freaking out.

Look, he sent you a... he sent you a smiley. 

:)

A face. Okay. It's not a sad face.

Oh, did you really just send him another face back? 

Well done, you. If you guys keep going at this rate you'll be married next month.

Of course I'm being sarcastic.

Now go get ready, you have stuff to do. Stuff where you can't look at your phone. 

Yeah, that'll teach him. Something like that.

Or maybe not. Because, you know, he also doesn't look at his phone all the fucking time.

It will be okay. Probably.

I know that at this point I should be blogging about my trip to London, but there's something else that's been bugging me. 

You know the feeling when you don't care about something? But do you also know the feeling when you don't care for something when you used to care a lot about it? I think the first time I experienced this was when I told a friend about my past relationships and realized that some of them don't really make me feel anything anymore. Of some I still think and I still have some feelings left. But not in some cases. That felt odd and at the same liberating. Or maybe something is wrong with me, because shouldn't you care for someone who once meant a lot to you? Maybe I'm sick or something. But some of these people that I used to cry a lot over don't really take up any space in my heart or mind. I don't even feel the need to look for them on social media or write them for their birthday. I don't think that the news that they passed away or are ill or something horrible would affect me in any way. Maybe I am a coldhearted bitch. 

But then again, these people made me that way to some extent.

Now there's this thing that has been a pretty big thing in my life for... what, almost 3 years? And yesterday I realized that I would be confronted with that thing, that person, again in a few days. And my initial reaction was: "Meh."

I guess after I suffered through mot of this summer, I finally healed. Or I'm too obsessed with another thing that I can't muster the feelings for that big (yes, actually pretty big) thing. I used to be obsessed about it. 

Maybe (I don't know if I should hope for it, or not) I will suddenly be obsessed again once the date is here and I can't hide or distract myself. But I never felt this way about that thing before. Never. And that is kind of odd, scary even. 

I really hope that I have healed. That it's going to be okay after such a long time. Such a fucking long time. 

I don't regret anything of the past 3 years, I really don't. I think the reason I'm writing this blog now is that I'm even a little sad that apparently, it is over. Everything beautiful dies...

Learning Finnish - Week 1

Learn Finnish they said.

It will be fun they said.

Just kidding, no-one ever said that learning Finnish is fun. I think someone even said that it's impossible to learn.

Well, I usually tackle the things that are impossible, just to laugh in the end. ("No girls on the tourbus" And I laughed...)

So I've had my first week of Uni with my Finnish course and what can I say? It's pretty overwhelming to learn a new language. Especially if your book is in Finnish only. Literally, there is no word in german or english inside. Don't ask me why.

I once learned italian. To say I speak italian is a pretty big exaggeration. And I actually like languages, but back in school, italian killed it for me. We didn't learn any words, we didn't even have a normal book (we were one of the first school to teach italian, so there were no books for us yet), but a "Learn italian in 4 Weeks!"-Book for tourists. That's basically what we learned: To ask where the next hotel is, when the train is leaving and that we want to eat a pizza. 

I learned English in the same school. I like to think that my English is pretty good and I feel comfortable blogging in that language. I would NEVER EVER write an article in italian. Never.

So the first association when I sat in the course and looked at the book, I was reminded of learning italian and how much that sucked and that I'm actually a little ashamed that my latin is better than my italian. 

I was kind of overwhelmed and pledged that I would go learn my words every day.

On the second day of the course (the course is on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for 2hrs) we had to make an introduction of some character (say some basics like name, gender, age and job) and I struggled through mine, not being able to build on sentence, whereas the others had no problems. I know the numbers and know the system behind it (Fuck you, French, look at Finnish, THAT's how you're supposed to count, you cunt!), but it takes some time to translate the number in my head, whereas the others seemed to be able to count like it was their mother tongue. Gah.

But that's not a reason to give up...if I had given up everytime something seemed hard or I didn't get it at first glimpse (I once walked past the tourbus while searching for the tourbus.), I never would giggled myself to sleep about how easy everything was. 

I have to do the work and drop the struggle. Just try and if it doesn't work, try again, for Fuck's sake! That's how you do life.

And that's also how you learn a new language.

SWEAR is actually coming!

If you're an Amanda Hocking fan, drop everything you're doing RIGHT now, for Heaven's sake!!! Aaaaaah!

When I came home from Uni this week and was just browsing through Facebook, trying to upload my pictures from The Agonist concert in Düsseldorf (read more about here) I let out a little scream when I saw this: 

Let's be clear though, little screams while scrolling through facebook are reserved for rare occasions such as: messages from band persons (sorry, but I AM a fangirl), freshly announced tourdates or... well, there has been so much clickbaiting about the Winds of Winter I don't even read the articles about it anymore...

So, yeah, I don't scream that often when I browse fb.

And when I saw that picture I actually first thought "Oh, great, Amanda has a new book coming soon, good for her." and then I scanned the post again. Nope, this isn't just any new book, this is the last book of the My Blood Approves series! Miracles do happen! Good things come to those who wait!

I need to give you some explanation why this makes me so happy. 

Back in 2011 I was working very hard on my first book, Green like me, which hasn't been released and it probably never will be. It's not ready for that. Anyway, back then it was the first time I've actually worked on a book that *might* be done one day and of course I wanted to know how to put it out there. Self Publishing was the newest fad on the internet back then. Actually, ebooks were quite a new thing. The first Kindle (the one with a keyboard) came out and yadda yadda. People were going crazy, everybody was so emotional. Refugees weren't a thing back then and no "threat" to "our" culture... but ebooks, those were the devil's children. Everything we've achieved as a human race would cease and vanish in the face of digital reading. Seriously, everybody went crazy. Maybe you remember. 

After moving in 2011 I realized that I owned a lot of books. And I still have three big cardboard boxes in my parent's attic full with books. I love reading. That year I realized, that I might not like books so much. A Kindle seemed like the perfect solution. I could still read and I wouldn't need to litter my apartment.  

I got myself a Kindle for Christmas that year. Best 100 bucks I've ever spent (yup, it actually was that pricey back then!)  

So, back to book publishing. Ebooks opened up a whole world of new possibilities that year. I started reading J.A. Konrath's blog like it was the Holy Bible and I was sure I would selfpublish if the day ever came. I don't think anybody took Kindle and their author program serious until a young girl hit the news: She had written a mediocre vampire romance, put it onto Kindle and became a millionaire. True story. That was Amanda Hocking and of course, her books were the first to be put onto my Kindle. I even named my Kindle Amanda after her (I name all my electric devices).
I was totally inspired by her story, so it wasn't about vampires falling in love and relationship triangles and the occasional bad guy trying to kill all of them for me. The books were fine for me, I didn't expect them to be high literature or anything, but they were good enough to entertain during lunch breaks and on public transport (where I spend most time reading). It was during that time that I started writing something else and decided to publish it - I will share that with you eventually. It was what had been easiest for me to write and I thought, that I should only write this story for myself and never share it with the public. Well, after reading My Blood Approves and thinking about the whole success story of Amanda Hocking, I changed my mind. I was sure that this should be the story that I have to focus on and get done, stopping that voice in my head that said "No! This isn't good enough!" "Write something more valuable" "Who wants to read that shit anyway?"
It was only now that I've found out that Hocking had pretty big troubles with selfdoubt after publishing the first four books in the series. She wrote in her recent blog post:

"When I first published the My Blood Approves series, I was a young sheltered writer self-publishing them with a lot of naive hope. I thought I was prepared for criticism. I expected reviews to say things like, “I really did not like this book. I thought it was dumb.” I was not at all prepared for essay-length reviews that eviscerated every part of my books and myself. [...]But I think reading so many negative reviews eventually led me to believe that it was true, that the books were total complete garbage, that they were the cause of everything wrong with the world, and their very existence was destroying humanity. SoI hated them. For awhile, I even considered unpublishing them, but I that would only make people angrier, so I left them alone, and basically, just tried to pretend like they didn’t exist, because in my mind, they were the worst things ever, and every time anybody mentioned them, it was really just bringing up the greatest shame of my life." 

(that basically being her excuse for not writing the final part of the series)

This gives me so much hope. I can relate to this so, so much. Why? Because I've struggled with my own writing before I even started most of the time. And hey, to be fair, Amanda could have said "Fuck it, this shit made me rich."
I really value her being so honest about her struggle. It shows me that I'm not alone in my writing journey.

And that's probably why I'm so happy about Swear. Not only do I want to know how the story ends (in my opinion, there weren't many things in my memory that needed to be wrapped up, but at this point I'm just along for the ride. I read the books 3x now because I just enjoy reading about Alice and Jack), I'm just so happy for Amanda to overcome all her doubts she has had with these books.
I know, this post is incredibly long and I doubt anyone will read it, but hey, I actually also blog for myself ;)

Metal Roadtrip: Epic Metal Fest in Tilburg!

Like I wrote in my last post, my main reason to go to EMF this year was The Agonist, but there actually were some other great bands on the billing that made the trip worth all the money and stress.

For example Myrath. I had never seen them before but I've been listening to their music since 2012. Kahina Spirit is a bellydancer on youtube and I found her videos back in 2010 and one of her videos also introduced me to them! So, I was very excited to see them live for the time and a week before I went I read that she was joining them onstage! Maximal fangirl moment <3

Another band that was on my list was Textures. You would think that seeing them 3x with amorphis would be enough for one year, but I'm Amy. When I like a band, I want to see them as often as possible :D

Also, Stream of Passion would play one of their last shows in Tilburg. They decided to split up after this year. I haven't been paying a lot of attention to SoP in the last years, but I'm a huge fan of their two first albums and I never had seen Stream in concert. I went for old time's sake.

So, I didn't sleep AT ALL after the concert Düsseldorf. I was in that dorm with 6 other girls and I was drunk as fuck and couldn't close my eyes. I don't know why, but I just couldn't fall asleep, I was a mess: happy, confused, drunk, all at the same time, so I didn't find any sleep. My alarm went off and I scurried through the dark, searching my stuff together and getting dressed in the dark, because I had already annoyed my cohabitants enough that night. I felt sick and took a walk to the train station. The cold air actually helped and made me feel better. I ate a bun at the trian station and then was picked up by Jessie and her friends and we were off to Tilburg. I honestly don't remember much of the car ride but listening to music and almost falling asleep. I almost told the girls to go to the festival without me and I would just sleep at the hotel all day, that's how bad I felt. 

Well, I'm glad I went anyway!

After the doors opened I went to see the first few shows on the main stage. Myrath actually were the first band to play there and they were perfect. I cried a little during Merciless times, because it was just so beautiful. And I hardly ever cry during a concert. But this time I did. There's something about arabic in songs that always touches my heart.

Textures were on next and of course they didn't disappoint. It was their first show of the day, they had another one at another festival on the same night. It's normally not really my style of music, but they already made me a fan on the second show I saw them play (earlier this year in Munich). I can't really describe it, but the energy and the changes in rhythm really do something to you if you let it happen. 

After Textures Stream of Passion was already on, but I only stayed until the middle of their set because I wanted to have a good spot at the Agonist (I know I saw them a day before, but...who cares? :P)

I screamed when Vicky came on stage, because, she was wearing my shirt! Yes, she decided of all the clothes she's had with her, she would wear mine! I can hardly believe it. It's one of the best feelings ever when your favorite singer wears one of your designs.

Yeah, so The Agonist played to an overpacked room and during some songs I thought the people behind me were trying to kill each other. I always stick to front row, so I seldomly take part in moshpits, but the guy who stood behind me got smashed into me quite a few times, although he wasn't participating. But hey, it's great when people have fun, just don't kill each other (I think Chris said something like that on stage as well, but I really don't remember a lot of details because I was so tired). They played a shorter set because they weren't a headliner that night, but it was a great mix of old and new songs.

So afterwards I just sat downstairs were all the merch was and made friends with another The Agonist fan, talked a little more with the guys and girl, made a complete fool of myself and met Kahina <3 I think the just sitting there and talking to nice people, making new friends was the best part of the trip! Thanks to everyone who was there with me <3

Metal Roadtrip: The Agonist in Düsseldorf!

So in the end of September I went on another adventure to see a band I absolutely love: The Agonist!

Actually, I had fallen in love with their music last September! I did know them since some when in 2012, I think, after browsing youtube and stumbling from one video to another. And it was the same like it is with so many bands I love: I heard one or two songs and thought "That's cool! I need to look into them a bit more!" and then I never did. In their case I did check them out after their change of singers took place in early 2014, but I honestly started really listening to them only in 2015 when Eye of Providence came out. I had bought the album the same day I saw them live in Graz, so I didn't know any song other than Gates of Horn and Ivory and Panophobia. The concert wasn't very convincing though because the sound really sucked and Vicky was sick. She actually couldn't play the show the next day. And the show took place on the same day that I discovered the Jonne project from Jonne Järvelä of Korpiklaani and... I fell in love with that album immediately and so everything else I did that day was pushed into the background... sorry, The Agonist!

I had Eye of Providence on my mp3player and listened to it from time to time over the summer 2015. I had a very hard time in late summer and found a lot of solace in their music. For some days at a time it was the only music I could tolerate. Everything else made me just sad and huddle in on myself. The Agonist made me fight though.

 

So, this year the wait was finally over. They announced a new album coming this fall and a show in Tilburg at Epic Metal Fest. I had no idea how I would eventually end up in the fucking Netherlands (it's a 12hr drive for me and none of my usual concert buddies were up for the trip!), but I was hyped as soon as I saw the band's name on the festival's Facebook. I started to make plans immediately, only to change them 3x over the summer. But I was sure I would go there. Then some more tourdates around EMF were announced and that made it easier for me, because I would go to Düsseldorf a day before EMF. Actually it was the only date in Germany (I pondered doing a roadtrip through Spain and Portugal for a minute), so they left me no choice! 

Düsseldorf is still a 10hr train ride from Vienna, but I did go to Bochum to drink with friends at an amorphis show (nobody believes me anyway but I went for my friends on not the show) and so I said I'd do it again for a band I love just as much. The train was a little overbooked so I ended up sitting in the bistro for most of the time, but I met friends on the train, so I had someone to chat with. 

Good thing I have a friend in Düsseldorf  who agreed to pick me up, bring me to my hostel and then go to the show with me. if you read this, Kay, you rock!

I do like shredding shirts and wearing them!

The show was in The Tube, which is a very small venue in the old town of Düsseldorf. I don't think I've ever seen a stage this small. I also hoped that no moshpit would happen because there was a pretty large pole in the middle of the room. I also met Jessie, the girl behind Magna Femina there who had agreed via facebook to give me a ride to Tilburg the next day.  

I can't even say much about the show, it was so perfect. I had secured my front row spot and constantly had Vicky's and Chris' hair in my face, but that's part of the fun, isn't it? So here are some pictures from the night:

I do like shredded shirts.

Vicky is worth it

Danny is such a photo model! He posed a little for me so I could get a nice picture! Thanks, Danny :)

It's great to be at shows were the band enjoy themselves. And they really did have a lot of fun.

 I didn't blow this picture up, I actually was THIS close.

20minutes into The Agonist and rock out and she gives you THIS look...

The stage was kind of crowded...^^

Yeah, the pictures are far from perfect, but I made them with my shitty phone and I am surprised by how good they turned out to be for that.

After the show I went straight to the merch and bought the bands shots. I had to, because I wanted to give a little love back. That's also why I gave Vicky a shirt I made.

Thanks to whoever took my phone and took a decent photo.

We stayed until the band packed up their stuff and left and I got to get my brand new copy of Five (what actually came out that day) signed, took pictures with three of them (I was so drunk I completely forgot about who I had took a blurry selfie with and who not). Not eating anything but a mozarella ciabatta all day (because I wasn't hungry and stressed out because of the train ride and everything) wasn't such a great part to the plan of getting drunk after the show. And it's not like I never had that plan. I ALWAYS have that plan :p (so I could have eaten accordingly during the day)

In this case I guess I was an okay-ish drunk person. I stole a beer, talked way too much, way too fast and way too personal stuff and then took a cab home because I couldn't have found my hostel if my life depended on it.  

I had a room in a 6 bed dorm and was greeted with shouts of "Close the door!" "Do you know how late it is?!" and "Lights off!" I guess I'm too old for this shit.

What, metal concert and endless trainrides? Never! I just started with that crazy behavior this year :D

But 6 bed dorm rooms? Yeah, I think I'm over that.

Stay tuned for my next blog entry to read what I was up to in Tilburg. ;)

Learning Finnish

October is coming. And with it, University. I've been studying for longer than I feel comfortable sharing and I'm in desperate need of some curricula from other subjects to complete my journey at Uni Wien. 

 

I've tried to take some of the subjects that are close to my major, which is media and communica1tion science (in short, journalism), but they all bored me to death, resulting in bad results or even better, tests never taken.

So, I decided I might as well take advantage of the possibility to learn a new language while I still have the chance. I have the grand qualification in Latin, and that is something a lot of people do not have and therefor have to take latinum classes first. I don't; I can jump right into classes.

And I've wanted to learn Finnish since... I was 13 I think. And I know I was a1 little crazy back then and I know that I'm a lot crazy now. I remember getting a Finnish dictionary at the library in my home tow1n a1nd looking up words, w1riting them dow1n on flash cards to study. Of course, i never got very far. I think the most Finnish I picked up was through watching the Nightwish DVD, listening to Levan Polka on repeat and drinking with Finnish persons.

So, why do i still want to learn Finnish?

There are idiotic reasons and reasons that are actually healthy.

I haven't really had a life since over a year, obsessing over (Finnish) things and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel in April... but guess what! There was no life waiting for me there. There was a new apartment that desperately needed renovations and work weeks. 7 days straight, one day off, and so on. I went to my dance classes because I paid for them up front, but if I had the choice, I would have stayed at home, sleeping. That's basically what sums up my life the whole summer: Working, sleeping, working. And it wasn't all for nothing. In May I decided I want to go Epic Metal Fest in the Netherlands and since then more and more bands I love have announced concerts in my area. And if they didn't, I would book a train ticket. Nothing makes me feel as alive as a concert, so I will chase that feeling. And if it ruins me. But after working nonstop all summer, I can afford all these trips and I honestly can't wait!

But I know that waiting for the next concert is not enough. I need something of value to do in my everyday life. I want to write more again. I think of writing a serial novel for this blog. I've had ideas floating around and I think I turn them into something fun to read. 

The finnish classes are on three days of the week, so I'll be spending a lot of time with that as it is. A friend asked me to share my new acquired wisdom with her and I think I'll aslo keep updates here on the blog. 

It finally feels like I have something more to do with my life than just work and sleep. And I'm incredibly looking forward to it.

...

And if you ask me why, isn't this view reason enough?